Yesterday I lost it. As in broke down in silent tears on my toddler's bed at the tail end of a 90 minute bedtime. The husband came in after putting the big boy to bed and said "Want me to tag in?" I just barely nodded before admitting defeat and walking away.
Most nights and days I can handle the majority of what working motherhood throws my way. But every so often the hormones and the phase of the moon collide to throw me off my game. And I generally fall hard. In my own mind that is. Sure, my kids notice that my patience is thinner and my voice is quieter, but for them the moments are so fleeting I doubt they really even register. I am not doing them any emotional damage.
My brain, however, beats me up after they're in bed. Why the hell did a toddler's antics cause me so much distress? Why was I incapable of answering my seven year old's stalling bedtime questions? God, I just suck! I can't do anything right and I should never have become a mother. My kids are going to have to spend so much time in therapy to undo the doings of their hormonally imbalanced mother. Ok now, let's think about this rationally. Let's go curl up in the fetal position, cry a bit, then fall asleep to Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. [Still trying to figure out if it's me and my brain here or me and my uterus in all the "we's"]
Within a day the hormonal fog has cleared and I'm able to push all of that shit aside and see it for what it was: a very human moment. I am allowed to have those. In fact, it's good for my kids to see them. To model for them how to work through things even when you don't think you can. I am allowed moments of weakness. I am allowed to ask for help. There are times I suck at this, but I can take solace in the fact that those times are fleeting. Most of the time, I'm pretty all right.