I have a confession to make: I don't have all the answers. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.
I had Noah when I was 21 and I was pretty sure that through sheer force of will we could raise him without any help. I felt that proving I was a good mother was doing everything on my own. I mean, I was his mom, that's what moms do. Though he was in daycare, I wouldn't let my parents take him for the night because I didn't need help. By the time Ezra was born 5 years later my parenting style had changed a bit.
The biggest thing I learned: I don't have all the answers and I never will. In regards to just me, that doesn't really bother me. I know eventually I'll figure it out with a few bumps along the way and I can handle that. When you're a parent, those bumps affect your child and that is a lot harder to bear. The thought that your making a decision or even not making one can cause your child any amount of pain or unhappiness is a tough pill to swallow. It puts a lot of added pressure on your decision making process.
The other thing I learned is that decisions you make for your children tend to have a great impact on your life and day to day routine. Rarely do you make a big decision and then go back to your regularly scheduled programming. I like routine. I like having some parts of my life I can rely on being consistent. Changing large parts of our routine without knowing that it will be the right thing is scary for me. But I don't let that fear hold me back from acting. Brent has been a stay at home dad for the past six months which was a huge change for us. Now that his business has taken off, Ezra is in daycare three days a week. ANOTHER huge change to our daily life and routine. For us, right now, this is what makes sense. But for how long? I have no idea.
I don't think I'll ever be completely comfortable with the roller-coaster of change that is being a parent. But I can say that with each passing change my self confidence has grown. I know that putting my family first is the right thing to do and I will make whatever changes necessary to make sure we are all thriving. My end goal is for my children to need as little therapy as adults as possible, because let's be real here. Therapy is really expensive.