12.28.2012

Mind/Heart Dump


This song seems to sum up a lot of what's going on with me lately. Life is good, but lots of internal struggles going on. 2012 was a learning year for me more than anything. The more I learn, the more I see how little I do (and ever will) know of this world. And that's what makes it so great. That the only way to truly know the world is through our collective experience as the human race. None of us singly holds the key to life, a piece of it is in all of us.

So here's where my heart is at these days:

Friends

I have little to no tolerance for people my age who won't grow up. No, you don't have to buy a house, or get married, or have kids, but at the very least take responsibility for your actions. Make whatever choices you want, but own them. That's the grown up part.

That being said, I am trying really hard to come at everyone in my life from a place of love. Kill 'em with kindness. But this is much easier said than done. I don't do fake, so how do you learn to come at someone from a place of love if you aren't feeling it? This is one I think I will be exploring for awhile, maybe a lifetime.

Fear

I am learning how to not let fear rule any part of my life. I refuse to let others make me afraid (neighborhood break-ins this week) and I need to stop letting my mind hold me back. Fear of failure, fear of risk, all of those what-ifs. I never will have a crystal ball so sometimes you just have to take risks. Calculated risks of course, based on Excel spreadsheets and pros/cons lists. [I can't COMPLETELY turn off my brain] But I'm going to take some leaps this year, ones that make me uncomfortable. You can't learn new things without some discomfort.

Also, trying to stop second guessing myself at every turn. No one else has all the answers either. Mistakes are ok, in fact, they're wonderful, freeing. Can you imagine being the one person in the world who knew the answer to everything? I wouldn't want to be the one carrying that weight.

Spirituality

This is another one that will be a lifetime of learning. I am still sorting through my belief system. I inconsistently attend a non-denominational Christian church in which I love the messages and the community. However, there are some parts of Christianity that I just can't stomach. I love some of the teaching of Buddhism, but I do believe in an omnipotent being (God).

So I am taking bits and pieces of each religion and making them my own. My end goal for that is twofold: 1) to become the best person I can be and 2) to show love and compassion to others. This is the path I'm choosing to reach those goals. Everyone's spiritual path is different and it is definitely a topic I love to discuss. Since there is no right answer I find the topic of spirituality fascinating.

My Voice

I'm still finding it. I'm still finding the balance of how much I want to share and how much I don't, both in real life and online. I have a lot to say, but not all of it needs to be said.

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So that's pretty much where I'm at. And even when I feel like a mess, I can't help but look around me and smile. Perfectly imperfect family and loving friends, there's not much more I need than that.

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