My Body

Long ramble about my latest weight and body image. Feel free to scroll on. I’m annoyed just writing it.

Let me start this off saying I HATE talking about weight or body image. I wrote about this a while back, but I have been underweight since my freshman year of high school. I dropped about 10 lbs out of nowhere. I went to the doctor, was lectured about anorexia (I eat junk food like no one’s business and always have), then told to drink health shakes with at least two meals a day. Do you know how filling and disgusting those things are? It was gross, so I couldn’t do it. I’d end up only drinking the shake and not having room for any real food. Screw that.

I was at the same weight from about 15-20, which is when I got pregnant with Noah. I gained 50 lbs with him and lost it all within 9 months of him being born. So then from about 22-25 I was again at said weight. I’ve never liked being as thin as I was because I am all angles and awkward and gangly, I feel like a 13 year old boy. But I have never been able to do anything about it, so I don’t think about it. I compartmentalize in my life and that is one thing that gets shoved down.

So now here I am, almost 3 months postpartum and I still have over half of the weight I gained with Ezra hanging out. That is 20 lbs that I am not used to having on me while not being pregnant. My main beef with this: I can’t fit into ANY of my pants. NONE. I also have NO money to purchase new clothing. I can’t remember how quickly I lost weight with Noah, but I feel like it was faster than this.

Do you know how annoyed I am with myself right now? I am not annoyed that I’m not losing this weight. I am annoyed that I feel it should be gone already. I’m annoyed that because of the place I happen to work that I am putting pressure on myself to get thinner as quickly as possible. I’m annoyed that I let societal pressures make me feel bad about my body. I’m better than this!

I think a big part of it is just taking time to get used to your new skin. I’ve never been where I am currently so it’s going to take time getting used to. Also, it may still change over the next few months. Either way, my weight is not who I am. It doesn’t define me, so I shouldn’t let it.

So to all mothers out there: allow yourself grace. Your body goes through a lot having a child. Sometimes you end up back where you started and sometimes you get a new baby and a new body. Either way, embrace it. You’re still you. You’re still beautiful. And fuck anyone or anything else that tells you otherwise.

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