10.29.2010

Stranded

I love this song. Reminds me of high school. I have been having a ton of flashbacks to high school and college when my hormones have been on the fritz with this pregnancy. I think it may have something to do with the fact that the Pill messed with my hormones pretty badly during a few of those years, so my body being in the same state of flux brings back those memories.

My husband and I were not together for a good chunk of my college years. During that time I did a lot of stupid stuff. I had never really dated prior to those years, so I did a lot of dating and drinking. As much time as was wasted I learned a lot. About myself and about what I wanted from life. About what real pain was. About what real love was. I wouldn’t change a thing, as it’s made me who I am today. It also made me really, truly appreciate the relationship I had with my husband. There was a stretch in there where we didn’t see each other for eight months and my world was falling apart. It’s funny how you don’t realize how much of a mess you are until it’s over.


With my hormones raging I find myself driving down the road torn between intense sadness and sheer joy. I am so proud of where I am in life right now and elated to be having another baby with my best friend and living in a place we chose that we love. We are blessed with both having stable jobs and wonderfully supportive family. But after that wave I get hit with a sadness I haven’t felt in years. The feeling of emptiness hits me like a ton of bricks. I forgot what hurt like this felt like. It hits only briefly, but it can be enough to send my head spinning, bringing me to the verge of tears. Luckily I usually have Noah in the car with me and he brings me back to earth fast.

I don’t ever want to feel that empty again. I hope if I’m ever faced with it again I’ve got better weapons in my arsenal. Whiskey just didn’t cut it last time.

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